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| The New York Optimist March 2009 |
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In my dream I was lying down, eye gazing and breathing, with
I was raised in a way to see sex as evil unless with your husband, and that was pretty fragmenting to be taught my body was evil, being naked was evil, having sex,
sharing energy, opening my channels was wrong, I was taught nothing about sex, about the beauty the possibility, I was taught to be sexy, to allow my sexual energy
to be open was wrong. So I was conflicted fragmented and very confused my nature told me one thing, my spirit another and the world yet another. I went back and
forth from throwing off all the rules and being completely open free and wild and indulging in everything and trying everything to nothing, to complete restraint and
after going from one extreme to another I made up my own views on sex and the exchange of energy and it was simple. Exchange it when it felt right, with who it felt
right, and be honest in the process with myself with them. The guilt was gone, the drama was gone, and for the first time in my life I felt free, and really started to
enjoy sex.
Somewhere along the way I stumbled on tantra, and I didn't really understand it, but was drawn to it, and it wasn't about the hours and hours it was about the energy,
for I felt that energy, and I could feel it with or without sexual exchange with people and I am still learning to understand why I am able to exchange energy easily with
some and not others, sexually or not. But I had a few intense experiences that really made it crystal clear how beautiful and sacred that exchange is. When I can easily
circle energy and feel them circling back, when breathing syncs and then all of the sudden time stops, worry stops, and the true nature of life overcomes all the noise.
Heaven on earth is found in those moment, how I get there is something I am still trying to understand, living a hectic life, a public life to a degree, a life where finding
moment to be alone, much less in nature see, harder and harder to come by.
As a child I could feel the plants, I could feel the energy of life, in people, in plants, through sex, through music, I feel things, and I keep tuning into it, sometimes I
can feel illness before it comes, I can feel energy blocks in bodies, I can feel my energy and I can feel others, I can feel open energy and feel it when its closed or not
feel it, and much of my intuition comes from this sense, one no one talks about in the education system in the west, the senses we have been cut off from. Making us
more machine like, more robotic, more detached from our energy, from the world, from love, from the exchange which can be healing and nurturing, that takes sex
from being a workout to a spiritual practice. That takes conversations from being shallow, to allowing tears to flow, hearts to open and love to exchange in a powerful
and beautiful way.
I seek to understand these things, for I feel what our world needs most is to love, without walls, with our energy, to not be afraid to be naked, to not be afraid to
exchange energy, to nurture, to support, to heal, to reconnect. For when the soul goes to long without touch, without an exchange of love and energy, we become like
machines, closed up, locked down, disconnected, fragmented. There are times my hands cant help but to reach out and touch, even though I know its hard for some
to understand why, or to understand to me without touch, without that exchange we lose our humanity .
Despite the hesitation I feel because of rules created by strangers I now am working to not hold back when I feel the urge to hug, to hold someone when they need
comfort, to offer my love not just through words but actions through touch. Respectfully, and lovingly aware of the power of that exchange. For to grow up or live
life devoid of touch, of love, of being held, nurtured and given love through flesh and blood, is like being deprived of air.
Jillian Ann
www.JillianAnn.com
sharing energy, opening my channels was wrong, I was taught nothing about sex, about the beauty the possibility, I was taught to be sexy, to allow my sexual energy
to be open was wrong. So I was conflicted fragmented and very confused my nature told me one thing, my spirit another and the world yet another. I went back and
forth from throwing off all the rules and being completely open free and wild and indulging in everything and trying everything to nothing, to complete restraint and
after going from one extreme to another I made up my own views on sex and the exchange of energy and it was simple. Exchange it when it felt right, with who it felt
right, and be honest in the process with myself with them. The guilt was gone, the drama was gone, and for the first time in my life I felt free, and really started to
enjoy sex.
Somewhere along the way I stumbled on tantra, and I didn't really understand it, but was drawn to it, and it wasn't about the hours and hours it was about the energy,
for I felt that energy, and I could feel it with or without sexual exchange with people and I am still learning to understand why I am able to exchange energy easily with
some and not others, sexually or not. But I had a few intense experiences that really made it crystal clear how beautiful and sacred that exchange is. When I can easily
circle energy and feel them circling back, when breathing syncs and then all of the sudden time stops, worry stops, and the true nature of life overcomes all the noise.
Heaven on earth is found in those moment, how I get there is something I am still trying to understand, living a hectic life, a public life to a degree, a life where finding
moment to be alone, much less in nature see, harder and harder to come by.
As a child I could feel the plants, I could feel the energy of life, in people, in plants, through sex, through music, I feel things, and I keep tuning into it, sometimes I
can feel illness before it comes, I can feel energy blocks in bodies, I can feel my energy and I can feel others, I can feel open energy and feel it when its closed or not
feel it, and much of my intuition comes from this sense, one no one talks about in the education system in the west, the senses we have been cut off from. Making us
more machine like, more robotic, more detached from our energy, from the world, from love, from the exchange which can be healing and nurturing, that takes sex
from being a workout to a spiritual practice. That takes conversations from being shallow, to allowing tears to flow, hearts to open and love to exchange in a powerful
and beautiful way.
I seek to understand these things, for I feel what our world needs most is to love, without walls, with our energy, to not be afraid to be naked, to not be afraid to
exchange energy, to nurture, to support, to heal, to reconnect. For when the soul goes to long without touch, without an exchange of love and energy, we become like
machines, closed up, locked down, disconnected, fragmented. There are times my hands cant help but to reach out and touch, even though I know its hard for some
to understand why, or to understand to me without touch, without that exchange we lose our humanity .
Despite the hesitation I feel because of rules created by strangers I now am working to not hold back when I feel the urge to hug, to hold someone when they need
comfort, to offer my love not just through words but actions through touch. Respectfully, and lovingly aware of the power of that exchange. For to grow up or live
life devoid of touch, of love, of being held, nurtured and given love through flesh and blood, is like being deprived of air.
Jillian Ann
www.JillianAnn.com
